Normal

Most people would think I'm very normal, but I would say this is so very far from the truth. I know the argument of what is normal, nobody is normal, there is no such thing. I'm not talking about everyone conforming like a stepford wives kinda thing. I just mean in a very broad sense what the majority of people would consider to be average human tendencies and behaviors. I hope that makes sense, it does in my head. :-)

Sometimes I wonder if I go too far to make people think I'm normal. Or if I do things to make them and myself think I am. I guess I feel like other people don't have as many issues as I do. Why else would I start a blog to get out what I can't say to any living being in my entire world? This is probably not very normal. Especially considering that since William and I broke up a year ago I've been working very hard at making and keeping friendships and discovering new activities, new experiences, new parts of myself and the world around me. I've been going out of my way to be in horrendously uncomfortable situations that most people would consider normal to become an acquaintance with dozens of people and why do I do it? To try and feel like everyone else. To try and understand what it's like when talking to strangers is easy and you don't judge yourself when your favorite song comes on, you just move the way you feel like, and to feel like maybe you can't have everything and you can't have what you what, but you can live in this moment right here and right now you can cherish everything it is and someday you can look back and not regret it. And hopefully when that day comes you will have figured out another way to cope with everything or get over everything and you can continue to sieze the day and take advantage of every opportunity and enjoy every conversation with every unique person that comes down your sidewalk and you wont have to think about these days now, because that moment will be so inspiring and wonderful that you'll be cherishing it and figuring out how to hold on the very next one that comes along. I hope that I can be that way some day.

I also feel like most people don't know how much I have to do to get through the day, just to get by. Or how much I hide inside. I am a very private person and I don't let many people in. One year ago William was my best friend because he knew every secret I have every had. He knew me inside and out. He was the only person who knew everything about me. Today, he knows very little of who I've become. He still knows the most out of everyone, but then again that's subjective. Madd knows a lot of who I am now and what I'm feeling and wanting and my behaviors. There are, however, a lot of things about my past and the core of my being that Madd does not know and that's why I think William ultimately wins. The information he has just delves deeper into my soul.