My Body

I hate it. I hate it with everything I am. It hurts me so much. My back has been hurting non-stop for a year and a half. My feet are failing on me, one in the ankle where it was shattered and put back together with screws the other on the side of the foot where an old sprain is still trying to heal. My stomach hurts all the time, whether I give it food or not, no matter what food it is. My digestive tract definitely has some issues, that's always hurting too. It burns when I pee and I've had a reoccurring yeast infection for about a year. My lungs have taken a turn for the worse. The doctor informed me yesterday that the bottom airways in them have collapsed in on themselves so I'm not getting the proper amount of oxygen. This also makes for a breeding ground for bacteria.

My sensory processing disorder has been getting worse and worse and somedays it doesn't feel like I can function like a normal human being. I got home today and had a, you know I'm not quite sure what it was, some combination of a panic attack, a mental breakdown and a temper tantrum. I think they're really all the same thing with different names. Essentially I just could not manage to deal with any conscious thought. I could not imagine getting out of my car and walking into the house. This was so overwhelming to me that I just could not process it. At the time I was also having a really hard time controlling my body temperature, it feels like cold sweats. And the pain was starting to creep up my legs and my butt and into my back. This is the point where I can't even seem to form coherent thoughts. It'll just be words like pain, ouch, hate. And lots of grunts and very primal sounds with the occassional scream as I attempt to gain control of myself. For some reason it feels like the bigger or louder the sound or movement the more of an effect it has on snapping me back. These either end with me gaining control back by just waiting for me to tire out or by trying to suck it back in and focus on something else. The difficult thing is that I feel like I'm not dealing with what's setting me off, but I don't know what it is. I can never seem to pinpoint the same trigger and sometimes there is no specific trigger. I just start freaking out. It's gotten worse again and I know it's because I've cut back on smoking. I didn't have a choice with the stupid lungs. But now I can't seem to control my anxiety. FUCK!

I have a doctors appointment on Monday, but this bitch does not seem to understand what I'm going through. I tried to tell her months ago I have all these issues that I need help with and I can barely function day to day and she doesnt do shit to help but schedule another appointment months out. WTF?! Can't you just give me some fucking thc pills since that's what's been helping me? It's just that sometimes I get to lathargic or mushy minded and I can't be like that all the time. But I want the anti-anxiety, the anti-depression, the pain relief, the sleep help, the help with eating and digestion and bowel movements that it gives to me.