Why didn't I say no?
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
Manic depressive
So add that to the list of medical issues. The doctor thinks I'm bipolar n after reading up on it... I think she's right.:-( she's given me mood stabilizers n while I think they help I still feel all kinds of Fucked up n outa control.
Car
So I slept in my car again Tuesday night. I picked up some guy at a bar n tried to drive him home, but got incredibly lost n just stopped to make out n fell asleep in the parking lot. Then Wednesday I went to houlihans after the fringe meeting to wait for a boy to get done with work, but I hot a little too drunk n got massively lost on the way to his place. I gave up at some point n ended up falling asleep in a parking lot. When I got home early the next morning I realized I had taken my jeans and underwear off. I'm pretty positive that was because I had to pee very badly. Last night I went out to get a burger n some guy started buying me drinks I couldn't say no too. At some point on my way home I stopped on a residential street n parked n fell asleep. I'm guessing again because I had to pee. The thing is I don't totally remember doing this which is pretty terrifying...
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Sleep
I really need to stop sleeping in my car....:-( I get back to it n realize I can't drive cuz I'm too drunk so I just curl up for a few hours n then get moving in the early morning. Is this weird or crazy?
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Normal
Most people would think I'm very normal, but I would say this is so very far from the truth. I know the argument of what is normal, nobody is normal, there is no such thing. I'm not talking about everyone conforming like a stepford wives kinda thing. I just mean in a very broad sense what the majority of people would consider to be average human tendencies and behaviors. I hope that makes sense, it does in my head. :-)
Sometimes I wonder if I go too far to make people think I'm normal. Or if I do things to make them and myself think I am. I guess I feel like other people don't have as many issues as I do. Why else would I start a blog to get out what I can't say to any living being in my entire world? This is probably not very normal. Especially considering that since William and I broke up a year ago I've been working very hard at making and keeping friendships and discovering new activities, new experiences, new parts of myself and the world around me. I've been going out of my way to be in horrendously uncomfortable situations that most people would consider normal to become an acquaintance with dozens of people and why do I do it? To try and feel like everyone else. To try and understand what it's like when talking to strangers is easy and you don't judge yourself when your favorite song comes on, you just move the way you feel like, and to feel like maybe you can't have everything and you can't have what you what, but you can live in this moment right here and right now you can cherish everything it is and someday you can look back and not regret it. And hopefully when that day comes you will have figured out another way to cope with everything or get over everything and you can continue to sieze the day and take advantage of every opportunity and enjoy every conversation with every unique person that comes down your sidewalk and you wont have to think about these days now, because that moment will be so inspiring and wonderful that you'll be cherishing it and figuring out how to hold on the very next one that comes along. I hope that I can be that way some day.
I also feel like most people don't know how much I have to do to get through the day, just to get by. Or how much I hide inside. I am a very private person and I don't let many people in. One year ago William was my best friend because he knew every secret I have every had. He knew me inside and out. He was the only person who knew everything about me. Today, he knows very little of who I've become. He still knows the most out of everyone, but then again that's subjective. Madd knows a lot of who I am now and what I'm feeling and wanting and my behaviors. There are, however, a lot of things about my past and the core of my being that Madd does not know and that's why I think William ultimately wins. The information he has just delves deeper into my soul.
Sometimes I wonder if I go too far to make people think I'm normal. Or if I do things to make them and myself think I am. I guess I feel like other people don't have as many issues as I do. Why else would I start a blog to get out what I can't say to any living being in my entire world? This is probably not very normal. Especially considering that since William and I broke up a year ago I've been working very hard at making and keeping friendships and discovering new activities, new experiences, new parts of myself and the world around me. I've been going out of my way to be in horrendously uncomfortable situations that most people would consider normal to become an acquaintance with dozens of people and why do I do it? To try and feel like everyone else. To try and understand what it's like when talking to strangers is easy and you don't judge yourself when your favorite song comes on, you just move the way you feel like, and to feel like maybe you can't have everything and you can't have what you what, but you can live in this moment right here and right now you can cherish everything it is and someday you can look back and not regret it. And hopefully when that day comes you will have figured out another way to cope with everything or get over everything and you can continue to sieze the day and take advantage of every opportunity and enjoy every conversation with every unique person that comes down your sidewalk and you wont have to think about these days now, because that moment will be so inspiring and wonderful that you'll be cherishing it and figuring out how to hold on the very next one that comes along. I hope that I can be that way some day.
I also feel like most people don't know how much I have to do to get through the day, just to get by. Or how much I hide inside. I am a very private person and I don't let many people in. One year ago William was my best friend because he knew every secret I have every had. He knew me inside and out. He was the only person who knew everything about me. Today, he knows very little of who I've become. He still knows the most out of everyone, but then again that's subjective. Madd knows a lot of who I am now and what I'm feeling and wanting and my behaviors. There are, however, a lot of things about my past and the core of my being that Madd does not know and that's why I think William ultimately wins. The information he has just delves deeper into my soul.
Pre-Game
So I started to get into this pre-game ritual before I would go out every night. I would smoke two bowls and take two shots of patron before I went out to a club and down another couple shots of patron if I could find a man to buy it for me (which was unlikely unless one of my other men was around) and sip on screwdrivers at a rate of 2/3 per hour. I am also very particular about drinking just patron and vodka orange, although sometimes someone will buy me a less than worthy vodka :-P and I always double-fist it with water. This, however, is the one time my food obsessions don't seem to bother me. When I am out and having a good time high and drunk I have no problem letting my body take in whatever it wants. Sometimes the only options are a turkey sandwich, tacos, pizza or spaghetti. But let's be honest, in my world of usually very limited food options this seems like a buffet. :-) And my body gets to decide what it wants that night and I will allow it to eat as much as it pleases. (Sometimes I re-convince myself that the diet where you only allow yourself to eat 4 hours out of the day, but as much as you please, is a good idea and I allow this to be the among the 4 hours).
This has since lessened, mostly due to the issues with the lungs and the financial hardships, well I've always been up against, but just now decided to start really facing and trying to do something about, and the fact that I would like to be a functioning human being at some point in my life. I don't know if this is possible for me Most days it seems like a pipe dream, so far out of my reach. But still I keep it in my heart.
This has since lessened, mostly due to the issues with the lungs and the financial hardships, well I've always been up against, but just now decided to start really facing and trying to do something about, and the fact that I would like to be a functioning human being at some point in my life. I don't know if this is possible for me Most days it seems like a pipe dream, so far out of my reach. But still I keep it in my heart.
My Body
I hate it. I hate it with everything I am. It hurts me so much. My back has been hurting non-stop for a year and a half. My feet are failing on me, one in the ankle where it was shattered and put back together with screws the other on the side of the foot where an old sprain is still trying to heal. My stomach hurts all the time, whether I give it food or not, no matter what food it is. My digestive tract definitely has some issues, that's always hurting too. It burns when I pee and I've had a reoccurring yeast infection for about a year. My lungs have taken a turn for the worse. The doctor informed me yesterday that the bottom airways in them have collapsed in on themselves so I'm not getting the proper amount of oxygen. This also makes for a breeding ground for bacteria.
My sensory processing disorder has been getting worse and worse and somedays it doesn't feel like I can function like a normal human being. I got home today and had a, you know I'm not quite sure what it was, some combination of a panic attack, a mental breakdown and a temper tantrum. I think they're really all the same thing with different names. Essentially I just could not manage to deal with any conscious thought. I could not imagine getting out of my car and walking into the house. This was so overwhelming to me that I just could not process it. At the time I was also having a really hard time controlling my body temperature, it feels like cold sweats. And the pain was starting to creep up my legs and my butt and into my back. This is the point where I can't even seem to form coherent thoughts. It'll just be words like pain, ouch, hate. And lots of grunts and very primal sounds with the occassional scream as I attempt to gain control of myself. For some reason it feels like the bigger or louder the sound or movement the more of an effect it has on snapping me back. These either end with me gaining control back by just waiting for me to tire out or by trying to suck it back in and focus on something else. The difficult thing is that I feel like I'm not dealing with what's setting me off, but I don't know what it is. I can never seem to pinpoint the same trigger and sometimes there is no specific trigger. I just start freaking out. It's gotten worse again and I know it's because I've cut back on smoking. I didn't have a choice with the stupid lungs. But now I can't seem to control my anxiety. FUCK!
I have a doctors appointment on Monday, but this bitch does not seem to understand what I'm going through. I tried to tell her months ago I have all these issues that I need help with and I can barely function day to day and she doesnt do shit to help but schedule another appointment months out. WTF?! Can't you just give me some fucking thc pills since that's what's been helping me? It's just that sometimes I get to lathargic or mushy minded and I can't be like that all the time. But I want the anti-anxiety, the anti-depression, the pain relief, the sleep help, the help with eating and digestion and bowel movements that it gives to me.
My sensory processing disorder has been getting worse and worse and somedays it doesn't feel like I can function like a normal human being. I got home today and had a, you know I'm not quite sure what it was, some combination of a panic attack, a mental breakdown and a temper tantrum. I think they're really all the same thing with different names. Essentially I just could not manage to deal with any conscious thought. I could not imagine getting out of my car and walking into the house. This was so overwhelming to me that I just could not process it. At the time I was also having a really hard time controlling my body temperature, it feels like cold sweats. And the pain was starting to creep up my legs and my butt and into my back. This is the point where I can't even seem to form coherent thoughts. It'll just be words like pain, ouch, hate. And lots of grunts and very primal sounds with the occassional scream as I attempt to gain control of myself. For some reason it feels like the bigger or louder the sound or movement the more of an effect it has on snapping me back. These either end with me gaining control back by just waiting for me to tire out or by trying to suck it back in and focus on something else. The difficult thing is that I feel like I'm not dealing with what's setting me off, but I don't know what it is. I can never seem to pinpoint the same trigger and sometimes there is no specific trigger. I just start freaking out. It's gotten worse again and I know it's because I've cut back on smoking. I didn't have a choice with the stupid lungs. But now I can't seem to control my anxiety. FUCK!
I have a doctors appointment on Monday, but this bitch does not seem to understand what I'm going through. I tried to tell her months ago I have all these issues that I need help with and I can barely function day to day and she doesnt do shit to help but schedule another appointment months out. WTF?! Can't you just give me some fucking thc pills since that's what's been helping me? It's just that sometimes I get to lathargic or mushy minded and I can't be like that all the time. But I want the anti-anxiety, the anti-depression, the pain relief, the sleep help, the help with eating and digestion and bowel movements that it gives to me.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Lab Test
Im getting my blood taken today. I'm kind of freaking out about it. I've not had good luck in the past. I've tried to give myself a bit of assistance this morning, but well see if it helps... I'm also very nervous about the results. Ive been eating well, at least well for me, for the past week, but will it be enough? Will I have issues? I shouldn't worry yet. I don't know a thing. Everything could be fine.
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