Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Monday
I called in sick to my part time job again today. I haven't been there in a few months. I hate it, but haven't had the guts to officially quit yet. It's coming soon. When I call in I don't even accomplish anything. I spend most of the day in bed either sleeping or just laying around trying to stretch. Somedays the pain is just unbearable.
I haven't worked out in a couple months and I feel like a complete failure for it. It's tough because I feel like my body is starting to feel the effects of the malnourishment and I get injuries and sores much quicker now. Even still, I am starting to get squishy around my tummy again and that is really freaking me out. I'm supposed to shoot my first national commercial in less than 3 weeks. :-0 I can't be squishy!!! I'm also supposed to get blood tests for the doctors appointment coming up in a couple weeks and I don't know how to pull both of these things off without anyone finding out. Is there way I can eat well for a couple days take the test and then go back to restricting? I'm afraid of doing that, because every time I up my food intake, usually in social situations, and then try and go back down again it's so much harder and more painful so I don't want to. But I don't want the doctor to know. I don't think she'll give me the pain meds and birth control I need without them though. :-( Grrrr.
I need to start working on this problem asap, so I'm going to go smoke a bowl and find the Cindy Whitmarsh episodes on Exercise Tv again. That's what started all of this... I get P90X back this week and then I can start in hard core!!! I can't wait to be ripped.
I haven't worked out in a couple months and I feel like a complete failure for it. It's tough because I feel like my body is starting to feel the effects of the malnourishment and I get injuries and sores much quicker now. Even still, I am starting to get squishy around my tummy again and that is really freaking me out. I'm supposed to shoot my first national commercial in less than 3 weeks. :-0 I can't be squishy!!! I'm also supposed to get blood tests for the doctors appointment coming up in a couple weeks and I don't know how to pull both of these things off without anyone finding out. Is there way I can eat well for a couple days take the test and then go back to restricting? I'm afraid of doing that, because every time I up my food intake, usually in social situations, and then try and go back down again it's so much harder and more painful so I don't want to. But I don't want the doctor to know. I don't think she'll give me the pain meds and birth control I need without them though. :-( Grrrr.
I need to start working on this problem asap, so I'm going to go smoke a bowl and find the Cindy Whitmarsh episodes on Exercise Tv again. That's what started all of this... I get P90X back this week and then I can start in hard core!!! I can't wait to be ripped.
Merry Christmas!
Christmas Eve I got very sick. Probably had something to do with the drinking the night before. I may have still been drunk when I got to work... I tried to eat a couple pieces of pizza for lunch, but did not manage to keep them down. I threw up in the bathroom at work and again in the car, all over myself. I had to go home and change, but that was a big plus because it meant I could smoke a bowl and feel much better. I made it through work feeling pretty shitty. We went to a Christmas Eve dinner with all the other folks at the office for some Chinese. A tradition for them, this was my first year so I was excited to be a part of it. I took one bite of WHITE rice and started sweating buckets and feeling dizzy. I threw down some cash, said Merry Christmas and bolted. I slept basically until 6pm the next night.
Dawson came over for Christmas night so we wouldn't have to spend it alone. He brought a bottle of wine and pizza rolls. Classy. :-) I had a couple Patron margaritas and he had a couple white russians. We attempted to watch The Jerk, but spent most of it talking. We have a lot of fun together and have similar viewpoints. We talked about atheism for a while and Richard Dawkins. He saw my bong and asked if he could have some. :-) This made me very happy! I brought him the vape since he doesn't do it often and I wanted it to be as gentle as possible. Dawson has a girlfriend of 2 years and he claims they're splitting the first week of January. I don't believe him. But I still felt like I should seize the day. We did a bit of fooling around and it was pretty fantastic. He couldn't keep it up... :-( This happens to me a lot. In fact, I would daresay with every man I've been with he's had some issue. Most of them prematurely ejaculate and then apologize profusely telling me they just couldn't control it because I was so attractive. Then there's this problem which makes me feel muuuuuch worse. He thought it might have been the weed or alcohol. I just said it was probably better we didn't anyway. Things ended fine. He texted to thank me and eluded to a next time. I hope he doesn't think we're going to date. He's only a temp. I can't get too attached.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Males
I don't know whether to call them men or boys, because they can be either depending on their mood. I have a lot of them in my life. I am terribly confused about which directions I should take in my love encounters because my choices in the past have not worked out well for me. Shall I introduce you to my bevy of beautiful boys?
Paul was my high school sweetheart. We were together for 4 years during which time he asked me to marry him. Our relationship was mostly long distance because we went to different colleges. When it came time for us to move in together he freaked out and broke it off.
William was my first real friend in the new city. We hit it off right away and spent many nights up late talking. We were together for 3 years during which time we broke up and got back together about 5 times. All were based on his decisions. He's still a very good friend, one of my best.
Derric was a coworker that I hit it off with very well. We dated for a short time. Things seemed great to me until he started blowing me off without explanation. Turned out he was also dating a few other girls at the time. He's still a friend.
Brit was a guy I met in a bar. Tall, dark, handsome, rich, well spoken, down to earth, fun, and he has an accent. ;-) He seemed like the perfect guy and we dated for a short time until the night I overheard him talking to his friends about me. His comment: "Minimal effort, maximum return." As soon as he pressured me for sex that night I was out the door.
Louis is a local photographer who wants to use me in some of his works. I love the idea. He's a very nice guy, but I like the opportunity more than him. I went to dinner with him one night and just didn't see long term potential. He, however, still has a big crush on me.
Matt and I met through a mutual friend. The night we met we got drunk at a bar with a group of friends and he and I hit it off right away. The next day we went to his place and sat on the porch smoking grass and shooting the shit. He is a lot like me. Sometimes its scary. We'll finish each others sentences and laugh at jokes other people just do not get. We've been seeing each other for a few weeks now, but just one night a week. I really enjoy spending time with him and I'm very comfortable with him, but I don't know if I feel a spark. I don't know if I'm supposed to. It's just that every time he's gone to kiss me I've done it, but I wasn't excited about it. I don't think that's a good thing.
Nathan is a temp at work. He is very attractive and charming. He started chatting me up one day and then asked me out after drinks at a bar. Our schedules just didn't leave much room so I was excited when he came out for drinks after the show one night. We started chatting and then one of the other girls from work, who has a boyfriend, joined in. After 45 minutes of her hijacking the conversation with talk about beer I gave up and started talking to my friends. It just wasn't worth it. She ended up throwing herself all over him and they left the bar together. Ew. After the show at a bar the next week someone else approached me about Nathan and said that he talks about me all the time and has the biggest crush on me, but because our worlds don't really intersect and he's shy he doesn't approach me and he just wanted to put a bug in my ear. Upon hearing this I text Nathan I'm bummed he didn't show up to the bar tonight. He says he's been busy with family in town. So I ask if he's still interested in going out and he responds that he'd like that. When I ask for a specific date he never responds and hasn't yet. His time at the office is done for now though, so I doubt this will go any further but you never know.
Ryan is another temp at work. I was warned to be aware of him before he showed up. He is attractive and charming and a little neurotic. He's all over the place sometimes. I'm having a hard time judging him, but he makes me laugh. He asked me to go to a movie over the holidays and I agreed. I made plans and then bailed on him after I got this darn stomach flu. He's only here for another few months.
Dawson is an intern at work. He is tall, dark, handsome, smart, funny and charming. He and I have a lot of fun together. He has a girlfriend whom he's been with for a while. He told me one night a month ago that he has a crush on me. Since then he's been texting, facebook chatting and talking in person with me a lot. He's said that the two of them are on the outs, but haven't officially ended it yet. I don't know what I believe with this one to be honest. He is coming over to my place tonight...
Kyle is another intern at work. Not nearly as attractive, intelligent or charming as Dawson, but he's more real. I trust him more. He invited me over to his place early in the fall and after a lot of drinking and touching he tells me he has a girlfriend. So I sleep in his living room and awake with the worst hangover of my life. A couple nights ago he show up to the Pub with everyone else after the show and starts buying shots for everyone. He practically begged me to come back to his place where we drink whiskey with some friends and I find out that Nathan has been making out with this other girl from work. I end up making out with Kyle after he tells me he broke up with his girlfriend. He didn't have a condom so it didn't go any further than that. I woke up on his couch and left for work. Now he's awkward and not talking to me again. I guess it's better than being obsessed.
Brian is a temp at work, but one of the more regular ones. He has a big crush on me. I really like his personality, but I am not attracted to him at all. I asked him out one night when I was drunk and forgot about it the next day. He said he was too arrogant to be forgotten the next day. He texted me last night to make sure I knew he still had a crush on me and was sad it didn't work out. His time here is done for now, but he's good friends with a lot of folks in the office so I suspect he'll be around.
John is a regular at work who is semi-attractive, but very smart and runs his own business. He's an avid supporter of the arts. He's been appearing a lot more recently and has gone out of his way to talk to me every time he does. I'm not sure if he's interested or not. We'll see how this one plays out.
Frank is a temp at work. He came out after the show for drinks last week and asked me to be his pool partner. I agreed and we chatted for a while. He is very sweet and we get along well. He asked me to come over and play music with him which is an idea I couldn't resist. The next day he showed up at work with a Christmas present for me of a video game for a system I don't own. :-/ I didn't tell him, I just thanked him. It was actually a thoughtful gift, but not well thought out. It was however, a little much for having just met me. He asked for my number which I gave to him. My boss and coworker witnessed all of this and made fun of me all night. I want to play music with him, but I'm not interested in a relationship really.
Bruce is an ex-coworker who's still a very good friend of mine. Or so I thought, but recently it seems he's trying to be more. His behavior is new, so we'll see how it plays out.
Bill is also an ex-coworker, from the same place, and he's one of my best friends. He has a crush on me and likes to take me out for drinks. Some nights he tries more at the end of the night, some nights he's a gentleman. I'm not really interested in him romantically.
Will and I met through a mutual friend at a bar one night. That night I got very drunk and made out with him and my girlfriend and we almost left with him. Luckily we had a 3rd friend with us who refused to let us go. He is one of the most attractive people I've met in my life. We had a spark when we met. I saw him at the bar a few nights and he came back to my place one night. He stayed up with me for hours talking. The next night he came over we stayed up all night and he kissed me sans tongue for hours, it drove me crazy. Then he came over one night and we had sex. The next day we'd planned a day date. We walked around the lake and talked and had lunch. It was really nice. I've run into him a couple of times, but we haven't gone out (or stayed in) since then.
EJ and I met through mutual friends at a party a couple of weeks ago. We hit it off right away and he would not let me walk away. He is very attractive and tall and muscular. We had a lot of fun that night and after we couldn't find anywhere in the house to sleep he drove me back to his place and we slept in his bed and nothing else. The next night he took me out for drinks and I stayed the night with him, this time we talked most of it and kissed a bit. This continued for the next 2 weeks. I spent half the week at his place. We had sex once, two nights before he left and moved to DC for a new job. :-( He'll be back for a visit in March and is convinced I'll come visit him up there, but I just don't have the money. I really liked him and I'm bummed we couldn't have continued this further. My mother thinks I liked him so much because he was emotionally unavailable to me due to the move.
Devon I met through mutual friends. He's one of the regular group I go out with. He has big fantastic hair that was great the one night he and I fooled around. I'm not sure where this is going. I honestly think he just wants to fool around, which I'm okay with some nights, but I don't know how long that will last.
And that's all of them. Now you have the background so you'll know what I'm talking about. It seems as if they keep multiplying. I'm not very good at dealing with them. I'm also bad at saying no. Maybe this is my problem.
Paul was my high school sweetheart. We were together for 4 years during which time he asked me to marry him. Our relationship was mostly long distance because we went to different colleges. When it came time for us to move in together he freaked out and broke it off.
William was my first real friend in the new city. We hit it off right away and spent many nights up late talking. We were together for 3 years during which time we broke up and got back together about 5 times. All were based on his decisions. He's still a very good friend, one of my best.
Derric was a coworker that I hit it off with very well. We dated for a short time. Things seemed great to me until he started blowing me off without explanation. Turned out he was also dating a few other girls at the time. He's still a friend.
Brit was a guy I met in a bar. Tall, dark, handsome, rich, well spoken, down to earth, fun, and he has an accent. ;-) He seemed like the perfect guy and we dated for a short time until the night I overheard him talking to his friends about me. His comment: "Minimal effort, maximum return." As soon as he pressured me for sex that night I was out the door.
Louis is a local photographer who wants to use me in some of his works. I love the idea. He's a very nice guy, but I like the opportunity more than him. I went to dinner with him one night and just didn't see long term potential. He, however, still has a big crush on me.
Matt and I met through a mutual friend. The night we met we got drunk at a bar with a group of friends and he and I hit it off right away. The next day we went to his place and sat on the porch smoking grass and shooting the shit. He is a lot like me. Sometimes its scary. We'll finish each others sentences and laugh at jokes other people just do not get. We've been seeing each other for a few weeks now, but just one night a week. I really enjoy spending time with him and I'm very comfortable with him, but I don't know if I feel a spark. I don't know if I'm supposed to. It's just that every time he's gone to kiss me I've done it, but I wasn't excited about it. I don't think that's a good thing.
Nathan is a temp at work. He is very attractive and charming. He started chatting me up one day and then asked me out after drinks at a bar. Our schedules just didn't leave much room so I was excited when he came out for drinks after the show one night. We started chatting and then one of the other girls from work, who has a boyfriend, joined in. After 45 minutes of her hijacking the conversation with talk about beer I gave up and started talking to my friends. It just wasn't worth it. She ended up throwing herself all over him and they left the bar together. Ew. After the show at a bar the next week someone else approached me about Nathan and said that he talks about me all the time and has the biggest crush on me, but because our worlds don't really intersect and he's shy he doesn't approach me and he just wanted to put a bug in my ear. Upon hearing this I text Nathan I'm bummed he didn't show up to the bar tonight. He says he's been busy with family in town. So I ask if he's still interested in going out and he responds that he'd like that. When I ask for a specific date he never responds and hasn't yet. His time at the office is done for now though, so I doubt this will go any further but you never know.
Ryan is another temp at work. I was warned to be aware of him before he showed up. He is attractive and charming and a little neurotic. He's all over the place sometimes. I'm having a hard time judging him, but he makes me laugh. He asked me to go to a movie over the holidays and I agreed. I made plans and then bailed on him after I got this darn stomach flu. He's only here for another few months.
Dawson is an intern at work. He is tall, dark, handsome, smart, funny and charming. He and I have a lot of fun together. He has a girlfriend whom he's been with for a while. He told me one night a month ago that he has a crush on me. Since then he's been texting, facebook chatting and talking in person with me a lot. He's said that the two of them are on the outs, but haven't officially ended it yet. I don't know what I believe with this one to be honest. He is coming over to my place tonight...
Kyle is another intern at work. Not nearly as attractive, intelligent or charming as Dawson, but he's more real. I trust him more. He invited me over to his place early in the fall and after a lot of drinking and touching he tells me he has a girlfriend. So I sleep in his living room and awake with the worst hangover of my life. A couple nights ago he show up to the Pub with everyone else after the show and starts buying shots for everyone. He practically begged me to come back to his place where we drink whiskey with some friends and I find out that Nathan has been making out with this other girl from work. I end up making out with Kyle after he tells me he broke up with his girlfriend. He didn't have a condom so it didn't go any further than that. I woke up on his couch and left for work. Now he's awkward and not talking to me again. I guess it's better than being obsessed.
Brian is a temp at work, but one of the more regular ones. He has a big crush on me. I really like his personality, but I am not attracted to him at all. I asked him out one night when I was drunk and forgot about it the next day. He said he was too arrogant to be forgotten the next day. He texted me last night to make sure I knew he still had a crush on me and was sad it didn't work out. His time here is done for now, but he's good friends with a lot of folks in the office so I suspect he'll be around.
John is a regular at work who is semi-attractive, but very smart and runs his own business. He's an avid supporter of the arts. He's been appearing a lot more recently and has gone out of his way to talk to me every time he does. I'm not sure if he's interested or not. We'll see how this one plays out.
Frank is a temp at work. He came out after the show for drinks last week and asked me to be his pool partner. I agreed and we chatted for a while. He is very sweet and we get along well. He asked me to come over and play music with him which is an idea I couldn't resist. The next day he showed up at work with a Christmas present for me of a video game for a system I don't own. :-/ I didn't tell him, I just thanked him. It was actually a thoughtful gift, but not well thought out. It was however, a little much for having just met me. He asked for my number which I gave to him. My boss and coworker witnessed all of this and made fun of me all night. I want to play music with him, but I'm not interested in a relationship really.
Bruce is an ex-coworker who's still a very good friend of mine. Or so I thought, but recently it seems he's trying to be more. His behavior is new, so we'll see how it plays out.
Bill is also an ex-coworker, from the same place, and he's one of my best friends. He has a crush on me and likes to take me out for drinks. Some nights he tries more at the end of the night, some nights he's a gentleman. I'm not really interested in him romantically.
Will and I met through a mutual friend at a bar one night. That night I got very drunk and made out with him and my girlfriend and we almost left with him. Luckily we had a 3rd friend with us who refused to let us go. He is one of the most attractive people I've met in my life. We had a spark when we met. I saw him at the bar a few nights and he came back to my place one night. He stayed up with me for hours talking. The next night he came over we stayed up all night and he kissed me sans tongue for hours, it drove me crazy. Then he came over one night and we had sex. The next day we'd planned a day date. We walked around the lake and talked and had lunch. It was really nice. I've run into him a couple of times, but we haven't gone out (or stayed in) since then.
EJ and I met through mutual friends at a party a couple of weeks ago. We hit it off right away and he would not let me walk away. He is very attractive and tall and muscular. We had a lot of fun that night and after we couldn't find anywhere in the house to sleep he drove me back to his place and we slept in his bed and nothing else. The next night he took me out for drinks and I stayed the night with him, this time we talked most of it and kissed a bit. This continued for the next 2 weeks. I spent half the week at his place. We had sex once, two nights before he left and moved to DC for a new job. :-( He'll be back for a visit in March and is convinced I'll come visit him up there, but I just don't have the money. I really liked him and I'm bummed we couldn't have continued this further. My mother thinks I liked him so much because he was emotionally unavailable to me due to the move.
Devon I met through mutual friends. He's one of the regular group I go out with. He has big fantastic hair that was great the one night he and I fooled around. I'm not sure where this is going. I honestly think he just wants to fool around, which I'm okay with some nights, but I don't know how long that will last.
And that's all of them. Now you have the background so you'll know what I'm talking about. It seems as if they keep multiplying. I'm not very good at dealing with them. I'm also bad at saying no. Maybe this is my problem.
Hello World
I thought long and hard about how I would start this blog and I don't want to introduce myself. Mostly because the things I need to get out here are things I cannot say about myself yet. Instead I will just jump in.
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